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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/TBnZ14C-BIo/">[audio] Gatorade Pledges $200 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations</a><br />');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/e22VvE1Ey8w/">In Focus: Gambling-Addiction Study Gets Out Of Hand</a><br />');
document.write('LAS VEGAS, NV?A gambling-addiction study by researchers at UNLV\'s Gaming Studies Research Center has \"gotten way out of hand,\" sources close to the project reported Monday.  ');
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document.write('Television technology has been improving for decades, to the point where anyone anywhere in the country has access to hundreds of quality cable channels at the touch of a button. Shouldn\'t watching the hottest films, with today\'s hottest stars, be just a click away, too?  ');
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document.write('ATLANTA&mdash;Patrons of Valentine\'s Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/rTtJngzU2G4/">American Voices: Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult</a><br />');
document.write('At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/9aIx5gf4KfA/">Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews</a><br />');
document.write('WASHINGTON&mdash;With unemployment at its highest level in decades, the U.S. Department of Labor issued a report Tuesday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans just completely blowing their job interviews.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/mrLHzkRjAXE/">In Focus: New Gas Bill Designed By Some Kind Of Freaking Maniac</a><br />');
document.write('BOSTON?Some kind of raving psychopath apparently gnawed through his restraints and burrowed out of the Massachusetts Center For The Criminally Insane to design the invoice for the Keystone Gas Company, 36-year-old Michael Beasley reported Monday.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Y_0p3_u0wfw/">Letters To The Editor: Color Blind</a><br />');
document.write('Dear The Onion, I\'m color-blind. What\'s green like? Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/rzH9oVX53DQ/">Statshot: What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?</a><br />');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/dnFag0t3UHQ/">Infographic: Chelsea Clinton Getting Married</a><br />');
document.write('Chelsea Clinton, daughter of former president Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, is marrying Marc Mezvinsky this Saturday in a ceremony that will be attended by Barack Obama, Barbra Streisand, and Oprah Winfrey. Here\'s what to expect from the nuptials.  ');
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document.write('MIAMI&mdash;After weeks of debate over their collective nickname, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade announced yesterday that the newly formed all-star trio would call themselves the Three-Headed Shitstorm.  ');
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document.write('RALEIGH, NC&mdash;As of 11:42 p.m.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/elBo5nVPNnk/">American Voices: Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon</a><br />');
document.write('After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/pVDZ8nihZXg/">Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation\'s Creepy Founding Uncles</a><br />');
document.write('PHILADELPHIA&mdash;&quot;The United States would not be the place it is today without these pioneering creeps,&quot; said historian Leland Collier.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/RJDSLZJRTZQ/">Slideshow: The Week In Review</a><br />');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/41ys3C5Q5qs/">[video] In Focus: In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?</a><br />');
document.write('Our panelists discuss whether taunting and insults would be an effective strategy to help America\'s obese children lose weight.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/1aF4A9nVJHk/">Your Horoscope - Week Of July 27, 2010</a><br />');
document.write('Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you\'ll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too. Taurus You\'ve always wanted to yell &quot;Stop the presses,&quot; but just when it...  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/bVZAwJeGV3Y/">Canvas Shopping Bag Celebrates Third Year On Doorknob</a><br />');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/be0-AF4TO8w/">Point/Counterpoint: My Dad Is A Army Guy vs. I Am A Army Guy (by Brian Carrelson)</a><br />');
document.write('My name is Brian but my dad\'s name is Sgt. Carrelson and he\'s a Army guy! He has lots of different guns he shoots with his friends in Iraq and they drive tanks too.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/JyI6L_PwHYA/">Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon</a><br />');
document.write('GOTHAM CITY&mdash;Supervillain Lady Gaga brazenly abducted Commis&ne;sioner James Gordon from a charity fundraiser Tuesday, leaving police baffled and the citizens of Gotham fearing for their safety.  ');
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document.write('WASHINGTON&mdash;During a six-hour committee hearing Sunday at McKenzie\'s Pub on 14th and G Streets, the U.S.  ');
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document.write('Chilling audio recovered from Flight 1134\'s data-recording parrot, Banana, contain mentions of &quot;altitude loss&quot;, &quot;pretty feathers&quot;.  ');
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document.write('<p class="rss-item" style="font: 10px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #000000;text-align: justify;" ><a target="_blank"  class="rss-item" style="font: bold 14px Arial;text-decoration: none;color: #4444aa;" href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/tq_fhadmG_4/">American Voices: Second Monument Found On Stonehenge Site</a><br />');
document.write('Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge.  ');
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