Comedy Central's Jokes.com: Joke of the Day

Nick Swardson: Down side of Magical Friends
One of my best friend's is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and that's the worst because I'm a nice guy, but he's magic. There's no way I can compete with that. He shows up, he's so smooth. Girls love him. He's like, 'How's it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, it's a rose. Now, it's money.' And it's like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? I'm like, 'Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, it's broken.'

Felipe Esparza: Dad's Furniture Fix
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.